Realizing that you have lost your true self.

Have you ever laid in bed at night and just felt that you had lost or were losing your self? This is something I have struggled with recently, and I am determined to find my way back to the old me. While I know that I can’t be exactly who I was a year ago, I know I can at least get back to the happy me.

It all started in January 2016,  I was still recovering from our car accident and was dealing with lots of medical issues. I wasn’t able to do anything by my self, even the simplest of task took forever. I had severe neck and back pains, as well as a full leg brace covering my knee and my ankle. While some injuries have healed, some have not and have cause a life long disability. These injuries are where a lot of my resentment come in as I am no longer able to do the things I once could.

Fast forward to March of 2016, I took my grandma to the ER after months of severe pain. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. This hit me like a tun of bricks. I felt like I couldn’t breath and my world was ending. I wasn’t ready to lose her. By July, she was no longer able to care for her self and was moved to full hospice care. She was here with us, with my mother in law, my husband and I by her side until she took her last breath.

They say your world can’t end until you died. But apparently they have never experienced losing someone who means the complete world to you. If an doctor would have told me that cutting of my right arm would have saved her, I would have sawed it off my self. The morning she died my world felt like it ended. I couldn’t breath, I could barely cry. I knew she was in a better place but that wasn’t good enough for me.

Since these things have happened I have fallen into a huge rutt. I feel like I am no longer my self, that everything is different. I have lost my self, the old me. There are now all the limitations on what I can do. Somethings as simple as walking, standing, sitting, shopping, being a mom, are now difficult. So many things I want to go do, but I know that I won’t be able to walk long distance without stopping, I won’t be able spend the day shopping all at one time.

Now it’s March, 2017 and I have decided that I am done being in a rutt, I want me back. I know it won’t be the same me as before, but a better newer me. I will learn to deal with my disabilities and my limitations. I will find ways to be happy and now get down. The first plan of action is working at getting my house back in full order. I know this is going to take days if not weeks, but it will get done.

I am excited to start this new journey to find the new me. I am excited to see where this year takes us and what adventures we will embark on as a family. Fingers crossed this includes getting ready for our big move.

Have you ever lost your self, or gotten into a rutt? What helped get you out of it?  I look forward to your comments.


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